On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
