people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
