Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
