I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
