and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
