worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
