john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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