Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
