Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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