So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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