GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
