I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
