FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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