is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize