I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
