not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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