Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
