shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize