I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
