dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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