I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
