I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
