I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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