i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
