I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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