Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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