i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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