How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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