i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
love makes seman taste better
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
