currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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