My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
