There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
