Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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