It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Success! We fucked roommates!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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