i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize