I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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