history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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