I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
