I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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