I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I supernannyed him into submission
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
