so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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