She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
