I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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