You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
