tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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