God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
