Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
