We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
