Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
