Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
