I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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