Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
