So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
