How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
