It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize