Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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