Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
