My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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