Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
