She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
