It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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