Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
