Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
