if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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