i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
