Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
