Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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